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Krisna wanted an apple so I held it up and said "apple".  He echoed back, "apple".  Then, I remembered that I wanted him to learn Khmer first so I held it up again and said "pom".  He looked at me for a moment and said "pomple".

We took Krisna on his first road trip to visit the grandparents and all the relatives, including great-grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins in San Jose this past weekend. On the way, we left at 2:30 a.m. and got in at 8:30 a.m. Krisna slept the whole trip and woke up as soon as we parked the car in front of Grandma’s house with a big grin on his face.

On the way back, we visited various place along the 101 and the 1 (aka Pacific Coast Highway or PCH) so the trip took 16 hours. Krisna loved getting out and sight seeing, but disliked being in the car seat. He was good during most of the drive. He cried really hard twice so we pulled over and as soon as we took him out of the car seat, he become extremely happy again. The first time, we ended up pulling into Morro Strand and took him for a walk along the ocean with the cold breeze blowing, which made him extremely giddy. After the refreshing walk, he was content to be the car seat again. He slept most of the time in the car and was even happily playing sometimes, hitting the car seat cover and chattering away.

When we were 40 minutes away from L.A., the sun was beating down on us so Krisna had his second bout of hard crying. We pulled over and took a walk in Target and grabbed whatever we needed since we were there already. After the walk, he was willing to go back in the car seat again grudgingly.

We stopped along PCH to see the elephant seal, walked on the beach in Morro Strand and Shell Beach, had lunch in Pismo Beach (famous for its clam chowder), had dessert in Solvang and visited UC Santa Barbara. I wanted to get pea soup in Buellton because I kept seeing big billboard advertising it but thought I was pushing it. We had dinner in Thai Town in Hollywood and got in at 9:00 p.m. Talk about a long drive! Or should I say a long ride since I wasn’t driving? I can’t wait for our next trip.

The New Year parade of 2009 is scheduled for Sunday, April 5^th –two days away, but I have lost my excitement for the parade after last year incident and have planned an out-of-town excursion with family and friends.

Today, I ran into a CAM-CC board member who was doing last minute parade’s preparation. The big elephant was sitting in the room so I initiated a conversation with her, which led to a discussion on last year parade and the protest against the invitation to Sok An. She hurled phrases like “You seem angry”, “You have a lot of Anger”, “You should let it go,” and “It’s the past.”

She suggested the possibility that the invitation was issued to engage Sok An in a discussion to change his administration. I don’t buy this argument and expressed my belief that the invitation was issued for personal gain. I listed the names of the people who met with Sok An in Cambodia, like Richer San, Peter Long, Sithea San, Gary Ung, Edward Tan and Evan Braude and how all of these people are related in one way or another to Golden Coast Bank. Many people in the community believed the invitation was issued as a mean to get Golden Coast Bank into the Cambodian market.

Before, I finished my argument, she interrupted me by saying: “You seem to hate everyone in CAM-CC.” I was taken aback by her comment but I was not surprised because this was a typical argument by the people who issued the invitation and their supporters. They cannot accept that people in the community were against the invitation because we think it is wrong and inappropriate. Instead, they pretend that we have something against them personally. I have never met or heard of most of these people prior to the invitation, although I have met a few at different events but have no opinion of them—positive or negative.

In response, I tossed out names of CAM-CC board members whom I believe are genuine in their desire to serve the Cambodian community.

When I reiterated my belief that the invitation was issued for personal gain, she wanted me to let it go and move on. She didn’t deny it but preferred to push it under the rug and I responded with “I should just write a book instead.”

I am angry; especially when she told me the parade committee thought I was unreasonable and they didn’t want to deal with me. She was referring to the meeting I attended with a few friends to discuss our concerns with the invitation in 2008. She had heard I was yelling and screaming at the meeting. The discussion was heated and the yelling and screaming was done by both sides. I told her that we recorded the meeting so she can listen to it and decide for herself who was unreasonable. She turned down my offer, preferring to stay clear of “drama”.

What occurred at the meeting was absurd. We pointed out that the invitation to Sok An was against the parade entry rule which states:

1. All entries should have a positive theme which respects diversity, is non-controversial, and does not advocate any political candidate

The parade committee waved the entry form in the air and told us they had no such rule. What could be more unreasonable than this bold-faced lie? In honesty, I think they didn’t want to “deal” with it because of the “truth” behind the reasons they broke their own rules.

After months of trying and being frustrated, Krisna was finally able to flip over this morning at 6:45am.

Who would have thought that bathing a baby can be so dangerous?  A few weeks ago, my husband broke his back doing it and now I just pinched a nerve in my back too.

I’m a stay-at-home mom so the baby sees me all the time during his waking hours. A few days ago, I had a lunch and a dinner meeting with a few different individuals to discuss possible projects and plan a book talk at my old high school. I was gone for six hours, which was the longest that baby and I have been apart from each other.

My husband and baby were waiting for me at a friend’s house where we were meeting for drinks. I arrived at the house, anxious and eager to hold him in my arms. After assailing him with hugs and kisses, I finally noticed that he was not as joyful as I was with our reunion. He seems distant and aloof. I am used to a joyful baby who lights up at the sight of me and the sound of my voice, which is a perk that all mothers in the world enjoy, being the center of our baby’s universe. At first, I attributed his attitude to sleepiness. I talked to him and nuzzled my face against his chest, which has always made him smile and sometimes, he would show his pleasure with a giggle. I hold him up, putting his face in front of mine and he turns his head away. I turned his face toward me again and he turned the other way. I talked to him but he would look through me and remain unresponsive. He turned around and began engaging with other people in the room, smiling at everyone. My baby was giving me the cold shoulder and purposely smiled at everybody except me.

No matter how hard I tried to get back in his good grace, he was adamant with his silent treatment and did not smile, coo or interact with me all evening. He allowed me to hold him but would not give me the satisfaction of acknowledging my existence. I was brimming with laughter at his action. Who would have thought that a baby knows how to give silent treatment or the cold shoulder?

The next morning, he continued with his silent treatment until midday when he decided to forgive me and was his happy, smiling self again, cooing and wooing me incessantly.

Krisna has been fed formula and breastmilk since he was born. Recently, he has decided that he likes breastmilk better and only wants to feed from the boobies, refusing to take the bottles even if it contains breastmilk. Exclusively breastfeeding is tiring and Krisna does not have good eating habit on the breast. He always falls asleep on it after 5 minutes and we'll be lucky if he stays awake on it for 10 minutes. He will want to feed constantly and I think half of the time, he's using my boobs as a pacifier. At least with formula and bottle feeding, he can go for three hours before feeding again.

I have decided to wean him completely off the breasts. I will continue to pump and give him breastmilk as long as I am producing. He is currently on a hunger strike. He refused to drink all night long and he usually drinks 4 oz. every three hours at night. I was the one who give in first and nurse him at 4 a.m. He fell asleep again after only 5 minute of nursing and I am reminded again why breastfeeding is not working out.

He would rather cried himself to sleep than drink from the bottles. It's heartbreaking to watch him cry and cry, looking at me as if to say "you know what you need to do to make me stop." It's hard for both of us but I think it's best to do it now than months from now when he becomes even more attached. All day long, he has taken only 4 oz from two different feeding. I hope I don't give in... I hope the strike will end soon.

Last month, I went to Poly high school to do a presentation about my book. Last week, I went to Poly to listen to the students as they present their final project. I was asked to talk about my book and my writing experiences in the reading classes taught by Rita Marks as a catalyst for the students' final project. Their projects consisted of a series of autobiographical essays discussing their journey to America (if they are immigrants), their family, their neighborhood and their high school experiences.

I enjoyed reading their essays and listening to their presentations. The classes have a lot of newly immigrants from Cambodia, Mexico and other countries. Many of the Cambodian students and the Mexican students have very common experience in their migration to the U.S. Most of them were left behind to live with grandparents or other family members while the parents come to the U.S. to establish themselves. Once they were established, they sponsored or sent for their children back home. Some were left behind as long as 5 years. When they left for the U.S., they talked about the sadness of leaving their friends behind. Some were hopeful that America was offering a better life.

The effort of the students varied. Some really enjoyed the project and put a lot of effort into their presentation creating power point slides with photos. Some didn’t even want to go up or talk about it. Overall, they seem to agree, even the one who didn’t want to do the presentation and was dragging their feet that they did learn something from this project, about themselves and their family.

I look forward to being part of this project again in the future.

Dreaming of Angkor

January 8, 2006

I have been willing to forgo a trip to Siem Reap because I want to
visit Preah Vihear but it did not happen so I was in Siem Reap after
all. Maybe I was meant to be in Siem Reap or maybe I believe what I
want to believe. A few months ago, I had a vivid dream of visiting
Angkor Wat, walking along the corridor and asking a question to a
spirit of the temple and receiving a question in return. In the dream,
I also saw a little girl who took my hand and looked eagerly into my
face, and I knew that if I were to have a child, she would be mine.

I had less than one and a half day for the temples of Angkor this
weekend, but most of my time was spent at Angkor Wat. On Friday, I
spent over two hours at Angkor Wat. On Saturday, I began my day at
Angkor Wat and ended it there. I meticulously walked the corridors of
Angkor, the outer wall, the inner wall and its crooks and cranny. I
walked through Angkor to the back and looked at it from behind. I
walked all the way to the outer wall. On my next trip, I will walk the
path of the wall surrounding Angkor and the moat.

The low light of the trip includes being bitten by a wasp and a red
ant. I was startled by two snakes at two different locations. As we
were going through the gate of Angkor Thom, my motodop driver knocked
down a girl on a bicycle. He kept on going even though I asked him to
stop. Two polices caught up with us at Bayon and my driver told me to
go in the temple and he would meet me later after he resolved the issue
with them. He was detained for a few hours and I had to ask the police
in the compound to help track him down.

As far as my dream, as far as the answer I was seeking, I did not
find it. As far as dreams go, maybe it was fanciful. I do not need
answer from spirits. I know the answer and I should accept it. As far
as dreams go, maybe we are meant to chase it to the end. I am a dream
chaser. I dreamt of being at Angkor Wat and I was walking the corridor
of Angkor just yesterday. A friend always quotes his grandmother to be
saying, “If you are going to do anything, do it to the end” (ber jung
tver ey, tver oy jub). If only he knew how far I have followed this
advice, would he be so proud? There is a general belief that in the
end, you do not regret what you have done and said but only things that
you did not do. I think I have done and said too much but to get
through the next two weeks, I will remind myself of this concept. Time
will tell if I will regret what I have said and done by flying across
the ocean to Cambodia or if I can view it as a life experience and I
should learn from it…

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