Tracy, my love

It was over a half decade ago. But last St. Valentine's Day, I was writing up an answer to one of the questions that a KW member asked me. I didn't really have to answer it, but I wanted to. I wanted them to know how much I cared about you. That write up triggered my trip home and this mellow blog.

It almost seemed that it was just yesterday that we hugged, kissed, and found comfort in each others' arms. You always cheered me up when I was down, which I was most of the time, and I always looked at you and thought how beautiful you are when you were sleeping. Those days were long gone.

Since you left, I had lead and lived a life, without you, as best as I can. I dated some women but never felt in love. I did everything that we talked about when we were together, such as eat right, exercise regularly, keep reading to keep our skills up, and watch our cholesterol. Things seemed to fall into their perspectives beautifully. But the old feelings and memories started to come back when I started to talk about you.

So, recently, I took some time off away from work, from friends, from tennis, from business to find the true meaning of life. I went to Cambodia and visited Takeo, Kampot, Kep, Kirirum, Kompong Som, Siemreap, Angkor, Soriya Market and Naga World in Phnom Penh. Each one of these places reminded me of how privileged I was to be raised in the US where beaches and roads are clean, traffics were not as chaotic and restaurants usually don't have flies. They have their own geographical characteristics that local villagers and vendors embraced with pride. To me, they were not as exotic as they claimed to be, except Angkor Wat. It was impressive! It is one of a kind and no comparison can be made.

For each hotel, restaurant, museum, shop, art and culture places I've been to, I saw pretty women, most of the time in uniforms, smiling and greet me with sincerity. I felt so honored that my own people showed such respect. Once a lost child myself, I was so humble with this kind of treatment. No one ever give us a damn in the US unless you are Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. But that is a different story.

However beautiful and attractive those women may be, I tend to look beyond their beauty. I was also introduced to some rich and beautiful young women. I thought to myself that no one can take your place in my heart that I gave to you. May be I need to get to know them first before I can jump to any meaningful conclusions. After all, they are my people and I need to find some common ground.

After every outing, I retreated to my hotel room, cranked the air conditioning unit to the max so I can lie down and fall asleep. It was so hot that I could die from it if I stay outside long enough.

When lying in bed, I remembered you told me that you want to be a faithful wife to your husband and a good mother to your children. We haven't spoken since. I had a feeling that you were arranged into some marriage; that's why you never called or e-mailed me due to the respect you have for your husband and your families. I admired you for that, too. I have been very busy myself and never wanted to disturb you in any way.

You taught me to be strong, to stand up for what I believe and to never fall in love when I am not ready. But you never told me not to cry. Well, I am crying right now. I am crying because I am alone and lonely and I miss you. I am crying because I am mad at myself for letting you go. I was so rude at times. Now I have only myself to blame.

I can pretend all I wanted that nothing could bother me, but deep down inside of me, I am not all that cool and strong. I am weak and I need someone, like you, to give me supports, encouragement, guidance and hopes.

In closing, if you are out there and this blog finds its way to you, I want you to be happy and not to worry about me. I will eventually be a married man myself someday. I found some women. They are beautiful but appeared clueless when I talked to them. I hope the right woman will come along some day, soon. Then, I'll try to be faithful to her and good father to my children just as you are to yours - a priceless gift that we learned from each other when we were together.

Love and best wishes,

Bayon Guest House in Siemreap,

May 2009

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Day 4 : Takmao - Red Roses

It is 8.45AM. After having breakfast at nearby
restaurant, I get a motodoup to take me to Takmao to see a very close friend’s family, Kao Chetta.

I walk in and see her father reading a Buddhism book at the verandah.
- Chom reap soor lok om.
He looks at me with surprise and then asks
- Eeu kmoy, mok dal pee ankal ?

We greet each other. He calls his grandson to get a palm leaf pouch from the wardrobe inside the house for me, and then invites me to sit down and make myself comfortable while he is making tea in the kitchen. I open the pouch that contains a necklace and a letter...

“My dearest Nimitt,

When you read this letter, I’ve already died.
I have waited for you for a long time but you never came.

You know my darling, I pray to our Buddha every day, wishing only for a letter from you, at least just to know how you are. Bang Nimitt, I have missed you so much….

I still remember our day at Angkor Thom, while it was raining, we prayed together in front of Preah Ang Thom that we never part. You looked at my eyes and I looked at yours for my loyalty, honesty, trust and love. You got a handkerchief to wipe raindrops on my cheek and touched my shoulder gently. I smiled at you because I loved you so dearly. A true love. This was our unique
golden moment.

After you left the country for 3 years, I decided to accept a marriage proposal from Nirochh who is an operation manager of a classy hotel in Phnom Penh. It was not my betrayal but I heard nothing from you. It was critical moment for a Cambodian woman who, like me, is getting old. In Western society, a woman is like a diamond that shines. In Cambodia, a woman’s life is just like a cotton ball; light and soft. When it gets dirty, it will stay like that forever. It was so difficult for me to adjust to life without you. Samrett and his beautiful fiancé, Phoung Neary, also came to our wedding.

Nirochh and I lived happily. Both of us believed in caring, loving, sharing, and understanding – a
precious education gift we received from our parents.

He is nice to me and cares about me and I like his
patience. Two years later we had a boy and I called him Soben, which has the same meaning to your name. I wrote to you after I heard that you married to an Aussie and had a baby girl. However, no reply.

Our family life went on as normal. Not until one day, Nirochh told me about his previous month business trip to Siemreap where his company wanted to know if it was feasible to build a new hotel there. His voice was trembling, erratic, and unusual ...

After a long argument at executive meeting, he and a colleague went to a nightclub for drinks. They got drunk and spent that night with the club girls.

I was furious and slapped his face then walked away from him. He followed me, kneeled and apologised to me in tears. He still loved me very much, what had happened was purely accidental. I never forgave him.

The morning after I took Soben and moved back to my parents’ home. A week later, Nirochh came with his head shaved to ask me for pardon and return home. He was so sentimental, but still I refused.

I haven’t felt well since. Six months later my health deteriorated daily. I was diagnosed with a death sentence...AIDS.

Oh my Lord, I was in shock and cried a lot. I felt sorry for Soben that I will never have time to raise him properly. I really wanted to see him grow, when he becomes an adult. But I could not change this life punishment.

I am hurting all over and trying very hard to write this last letter to you. Nimitt bang euy, it is sad that we cannot be together. I want to see your daughter; perhaps she has a pretty face like you. It is just my impossible dream!!!

Finally, I have this ruby necklace for her as my love to her as my own daughter. Please accept it and give it to her on my behalf.

Please take care of yourself, kom prooy sauk ka paik, na bang na ...

With love as always
Good bye for now.

From Keo Chetta “